Your S*** is S***!

So this is a rant I initially meant to put out last Christmas but given it was Christmas and it took 36-hours to open my Son’s presents to add to the infamous 36-hours I had to single-handedly look after my Son (see how I’m still banging on about ‘In Her Shoes’), which also coincided with the crux of this very rant, it didn’t make it to the printers on time!

However, to cast my mind back to Christmas, which seems an age ago now, we had another oven drama…I say ‘another’, as this is becoming something of a curse in our household. As many people may know, I don’t have much luck with ovens. It originally started prior to Christmas 2016 when we had just moved into a new house and given the costs associated with that, bought second-hand white goods…they were actually stainless steel but to be specific by ‘white goods’, I mean an oven and fridge-freezer. At this point, I’ll spare you a detailed history on the term ‘white goods’ beyond kitchen equipment is typically ‘white’. Since this occurred during our time living in the Middle East, where when you buy second-hand, there’s no comeback. Once those dirhams exchange hands, you own it – ‘sold as seen’. To be honest, in the Middle East, it’s much the same with buying something first-hand. If you try to return something faulty or even have the time and patience (or naivety if you’re a new arrival) to try to circumvent the most idiotic customer-service in the World, you’ll often find the way to fix the problem, is to just buy a new one. Once you’ve heard the terms “actually” (followed by a BS excuse) and “not possible Sir”, so many times you’d sooner chew off your own arm than ever call them again. I’m convinced this is why the place is run by functioning alcoholics. Anyways, where were we… Ah yes, broken second-hand oven…so rather than dive into the rabbit hole and try to phone the guy who sold us the oven (who has likely tossed his burner phone), we headed to the local retail park, to buy a new one. Given we had tax-free income in an oil rich State, such significant purchases could be made; It was one (if not the only) benefit of living their after-a while. If this happened now, I’d likely be setting up my BBQ on Christmas Day while I saved for a new oven. Of course, given the options of gas or electric, the good ol’ Manc in me chose the cheaper gas oven. It was scheduled to be delivered the next day, which oddly happened. Side note, what people say and do in that place are further apart than Putin and the truth. Anyways, the delivery men turned up, unpacked the new Oven and then stood around clueless, as they noticed that there was no gas connection available. Now, this is a rare occasion where I’d failed to do my own due-diligence and not checked this very simple but significant detail. There was a gas inlet pipe, but no gas was coming up it and more significantly there was no permit – you need a permit to s*** in the Middle East and furthermore they’re costly and challenging to come by. Long story short, if we wanted the gas turned on, we’d need to apply for a permit and given we were 5-days from Christmas with family visiting, I made the decision for the men to pack up the gas oven, return it and go and buy an electric one…right…wrong! Long story short, I was unable to return the new gas oven, as once it ‘exits’ the box, it cannot be returned - “not possible Sir!”. So, I then had to buy a second new electric oven, which was delivered and installed on December 23rd (talk about just in time) and ended up with 3 ovens in the house on Christmas Day. I sold the new gas oven for a reduced price, and someone paid me to come and takeaway the original broken oven (probably the cousin of the guy who sold it me)…ultimately I’d ended up paying for this experience. Moving forward, to Christmas 2019 and our oven (which came with the house) went for a s***, although this time we were in Canada and had both an electric and gas supply…so obviously went with the cheaper (gas) option again. All was installed well, and Christmas was saved! Fast-forward another 3-years to 2022 and although the oven is still youthful (in oven years) it’s broken again. It turned out the gas ignitor had broken and upon replacement then broke again 2-weeks later. This all coincided with the air fryer breaking for a second time in a year, which gets me to the meat of this rant… Is it me, but is everything you buy these days just cheap c***? Cheap, plastic c***! Things aren’t built like they use to be. You used to have things like ovens for years without ever having an issue, only replacing them for aesthetic, not operational reasons. I can see that old standalone stove in my Parents kitchen now, eventually replaced for its younger, better looking ‘conventional’ upgrade. However, having an underperforming oven is not necessarily the biggest issue with this problem. I can happily (initially) ring up someone and moan at them about their cheap s***, which doesn’t last 3-years. However, this in itself is also a huge challenge these days; Getting to the point where you can speak to an actual human. A lot of companies boast about their customer service options these days and SAMSUNG (yes, I’m shaming you), have a phone, email, chat and text service…but like their ovens, they don’t work. Initially you contact some dumb computer who gives you the process of elimination response, which will eventually determine that you need to in fact speak to an actual person…SHOCK! A.I. Not quite all that! However, this human is usually a good 90-mins wait away…even with the chat/text option. Plus, as I found out with the text option, you wait forever, then get a response from a ‘virtual assistant’ (Bot) named Nina who then tells you to call back during office hours…they also apologised for the long wait time… Now, the cynical part of me would say this ‘wait’ is a built-in tactic to get you off the phone in the hope you’ll give up and just buy a new c*** product. You can imagine a single person in a room watching Tiger King, with hundreds of red lights indicating the number of people on hold and trying to decide if they should answer a call or flip a frustrating vague pre-scripted responses ‘to narrow down the search to determine the actual problem in an effort to provide you with the best response’. If you picked up the phone, I’d save you a lot of time, as I’d tell you exactly what the f***** problem was. I believe if they manufactured better quality products, they would see a reduction in the volume of complaint calls. I mean do they not realise why they’re so busy? People ringing up about c*** products, which have broken. This is why they sell you warranties straight of the bat. I bought a strimmer once, cheap c*** it was, but they offered me a warranty at the checkout. I mean, a warranty on a strimmer? They boast about a ‘free’ 1-year warranty but this hardly an achievement is it. “Make this junk appliance last just 1-year”, must be their mission statement. If you want it to last longer then you can pay for an ‘extended warranty’. I mean, I think an oven or other major appliances should last at least a decade. I’d expect the sodding kettle and toaster to last at least a decade. I mean, we’re ultimately sold c***, then we spend hours and hours talking to half-wit AI technologies about the problem…WTF has the World come to! I suspect this is Apples trick also. They create these high-tech phones amongst other items they produce but build-in crap batteries or flawed components so in 2-years, you’re back there buying the upgraded version. Also, the marked-up prices on these products are often astronomical, charging extortionate rates for a particular brand, which prides itself on quality…but only for a year or 2. Buildings and cars are the same. Cars built recently often don’t last like cars used to and buildings built in say 2003 are now eyesores because they’ve degraded so quickly, having been made from cheap plastic products. However, Buildings from the 1800s are still standing and although some remedial works are carried out, they’re still standing and often converted into apartment blocks. My Dad bought a pair of ‘Kickers’ in 1999 and it is only in the last few years he has relegated them to gardening use. Anyone familiar with the 90’s will remember what a coveted shoe ‘Kickers’ were. Likewise with my Father-in-law who bought a leather jacket in the 80’s, still proudly wears it till this day. I believe the mandate for these companies is (to quote my Dad), “stack it high and sell it cheap!” I know Amazon can be annoying, as they take over the World bit by bit but it’s cases like this, which makes them more popular. They provide a slick delivery service and if the product is broken or needs returning, then the process is usually very straightforward, and replacements are sent out without much to contest. I’m sure their profit margins are all the better for it than applying the tactic of stonewalling with ‘Nina’. I also find that with many customer-services, they have a way of making faults with their systems or products your problem. Like when you call the Bank because your account got hacked due to their system being breached and they say you need to contact this department or go to a branch. How about, you contact the f****** fraud folks or people at the branch and come back to me when you’ve resolved the situation and given me my f****** money back. Ultimately they won’t make those calls and will leave you (the customer) to do their job. You’ll spend more on the phone to ‘Nina’ costing more than the value of what was stolen in the first place. It all comes down to the simple fact of maximising profits. How can we make money? Make the product cheap to manufacture and, as a biproduct it’ll be replaced more frequently. In the meantime, I’ll start to chew off my own arm!