Rage Against the Boy

So, I’ve been meaning to write this (and many others) for a few weeks, but as Mrs Mum is on the verge of delivering Boy #2, we’ve been in a whirlwind of doing gymnastics (in the metaphor sense) to finalize those last urgent jobs before we nest again. This was made doubly, triply, quadruply (is that a word?) harder when having to manage an ever challenging 3-year-old and Mr Dog who are both aware a change is coming but, just like their Dad, aren’t fans of it, so don’t cope well when one is up on them.

Such jobs have included keeping out of the way of workmen as we finally got the new Kitchen and one of the Washrooms renovated meaning we now only have 2 Toilets, which are older than Cesar. It should have been 3 but our Principle Toilet also broke the other week, meaning I had to put my next to nothing plumbing knowledge to the test and fit a whole new toilet. After lots of swearing, “Stay out of my way” and “I’m all on my own with nobody helping” (thanks Dad) statements and nearly causing myself a hernia (those toilets weigh a ton), I did successfully (so far) plumb the f**ker in. If you know me, you already know this story. Plumbing success for me is something I’m happy to gloat about. Yes, it’s dry, but then so I am at times…and also, have you ever changed a toilet?

Mrs Mum on the other hand was busy remodeling the new room for Boy #2. I say remodeling, as most would just paint the bloody room but Mrs Mum being Mrs Mum had to implement some sort of wainscotting to the lower half of the walls. It looks incredible, as would be expected but Christ. Mrs Mum also applied cement render in the Kitchen, where you’d expect a tiled splashback. As the Cockney Builder stated “I dowt do dat” when asked if he could the cement render, Mrs Mum (who was heavily preggers) took up the mantle instead. Again though, it looks very impressive. Other tasks for me included applying Stucco to the outside, forever cleaning, adding some new turf, inflating slow punctures daily before succumbing to getting new tires for the car (a whole other blog), painting the gym, having someone fix the bib taps, having someone else fix a new transformer for the doorbell (which still isn’t working) and installing new light and power sockets throughout. Oh, and I also packed my hospital bag for when Mrs Mum drops Baby #2. Finally, I cleaned again. This along with my full-time job (and did I mention my demanding 3-year-old), it’s been a dry but demanding few weeks.

In amongst all this, I always try to allow time for Boy #1 by taking him to the playground, swimming, learning to ride his bike, executing ‘The Worm’ on the trampoline (me, not him) and more recently taking him on trips to the Hardware Store, which he actually enjoys. This bodes well given how s**t his Father is at DIY. I’m a Man with an idea, but not always the ability. You can see more why I’m still talking about that Toilet. During one of the days when we went to the Hardware Store (twice), I also took him to a nearby splash park. It’s basically a City operated splash park with a few water features. Enough to keep the kids entertained for a couple of hours while Parents hang around. The demographic of Parents was actually interesting. You’ve got the ‘groups of Families who are set-up for the day and fully occupy the Park, much like the England Football Fans do a City Square when there’s a Friendly against Luxembourg going on. You’ve also got the Couples who turn up with their Frappuccino’s (The Instagram Parents) and I’m sure actually rent children who are in-turn being managed by a remote Parent somewhere for the purpose of making Parenting look like a breeze. Then there’s me, the Lone Gunman whose neither here or there and just looks dodgy, as if other Parents aren’t sure if I’m even with a Kid, or just loitering. I say this, as Boy is at an age where he wants to explore and not be micro-managed but equally still requires me to run after him when he decides to run toward a road to see his beloved cars or just run-off because he’s seen a squirrel. Either way, it requires me to keep a distance where I provide space but remain close enough that I may need to get a legger on at any moment. This peculiar halfway house does raise suspicion though. 

Anyways, to the purpose of the blog. It was a day when Boy just ran between the water features, splashing but also just going up to other older kids and engaging himself in their activity. There was a group of girls dancing, so he joined in. There was a group of boys tossing someone’s jersey onto a post out of reach (it was bullying, let’s face it), and some other girls going up a slide instead of down it. Side note, what’s with that. I mean, I use to do this, but why not just go down the bloody thing. Of course, Boy isn’t quite able to run up a slide yet so then becomes frustrated, but it is such an annoying sight.

The ‘Bigger Boys’ (recall Kevin and Perry from Harry Enfield & Chums) seemed to always grab Boys attention, as they get up to mischief and I could see where this might land Boy. Unlike girls, boys don’t welcome strangers into their ‘Gang’. It doesn’t change, as we get older. Enter a bar and go up to Ladies, you might get into conversation (or told to f**k off in my case) but go up to a group of lads and you will definitely be told to f**k off. Boys and Men are always weary of unknowns. It’s in our DNA, in most cases. It’s as if Men to other Men are a threat. ‘What’s he want?’ The only way in, is for another Man to vouch for you and even then, you’ll have a close eye kept on you until you’ve proven yourself. I guess it’s the ‘Wolfpack’ mentality. So, there we were, we’d spent about 50mins running through water and had transitioned over to the playground where the ‘Alpha Boy’ of his Wolfpack was mindlessly pushing a swing, with (I think) the aim of getting it to go over the top bar – like running up a slide, why the f**k do people do this?

At this point, Boy enters the affray due to his inquisitive nature. Alpha Boy sees my Boy and pauses in his superfluous task. He’s probably 9. I’m in 2 minds whether to pull Boy away or hold-off, as it seems Alpha Boy may actually give Boy a go in this stupid game. However, I see this won’t be the case when I catch Alpha’s facial expression. I’m still sort of holding back in no-mans land. Alpha Boys face is one of rage. I mean actual rage. They’re the eyes of boy/man whose just had his girlfriend taken from him by another bloke and are then forced to watch them full on make-out…oh and he was charged a fee for the experience, and it was Christmas Day. At this point I move to pull Boy away but it’s too late, Alpha has pushed the swing into Boys face. It wasn’t full on, but it was with intent. Now my face was filled with rage. If the law would allow, I’d have full on kicked that 9-year old. Like a proper shin kick. ‘Take that you little f**k-wit!’ I pull Boy toward me and hug him to comfort him. Alpha’s Dad then appears and in fairness apologizes and asks his Boy to apologize. Alpha Boy declines. Now don’t get me wrong, my Boy has sometimes hit other kids, it’s what they do. However, I always insist he apologize, it may take a few attempts, but we don’t leave until he says sorry and realizes that what he did was wrong. Alpha Boys Dad made the one attempt then just f**ked off. I gave him ‘the look’ though, as he started to walk away. Think Rocky when he locks eyes with Ivan Drago after he’s just killed Apollo Creed. Again, if the law would have permitted I’d have probably gone full Ray Velcoro (Colin Farrells True Detective Series 2 character – you know the scene) on Alpha Boys Dad. However, as the good Father that I work to be (not always the one in my mind) I comforted my Son and talk to him about how the World is unfortunately full of mean people and complete a**eholes.

As we walked away, a girl appeared, probably like 7-years old. She asks what happened. I relay the event and then for some reason she offered her Towel to Boy so he could sit on it – it was a strange gesture but kind all the same. Girl then begins to talk like a full-grown Adult at me about random things, to the point I wonder if I’ll ever get a pause to break free. It’s not like I was ungrateful for her kindness, I just felt this girl could keep talking until the Moon made an appearance. Also, she was talking to me, as Boy was just staring into space, probably processing how he went from Alpha Boys meanness to being on an ad-hoc chat show whilst sat on a strangers towel. I’m ok with kids talking to me, but only in short bursts and preferably when their Mum and/or Dad are around. I’ve had this in the past when walking Mr Dog. Kids (usually girls) appear out of nowhere and say how cute Mr Dog is and ask if they can pet him. I don’t want to be a d**k so I say it’s ok to pet him, but then they start a conversation with me, which again is fine, but I get uncomfortable with how this is perceived. I don’t have a daughter but if I did and saw them talking to a 40-something year old bloke I didn’t know, I would be uncomfortable with it. The cynical side of Parenting would see this as ‘Oh look at this guy wondering around with his cute Dog talking to little girls’. It’s awkward. Not all Strangers are bad people though. In fact, they’re largely nice people but we always tell our children, ‘Don’t talk to Strangers’, alongside, ‘Don’t stick your head in strangers cars when asked for directions’…and so forth. This situation is less awkward when with Boy, as people will realize that I’m a Dad and not some potential opportunist with his fluffy Dog. 

Regardless though (and to circle back), the spectrum between the Alpha Boy and Chatty girl was complete opposites. Boy went from the victim of Alpha Boys rage, to chatty girls kindness, which at 3-years of age (and even at my age) makes you think for a minute. It made me feel the need to write about it and furthermore the entire demographic of People at the splash park that day. I know kids are kids, but what does make these young boys so angry from such an early age in contrast to young girls ‘typically’ being kind, especially to the younger? My take is that it stems from the previous generations, which still originates back to toxic masculinity. There’s still Dads who act a certain way, as its how their Dads were with them. It’s watered down from say my Dad and my Grandads era of when ‘Men were Men’, but it’s still there. It can also come from other boys in your ‘crew’. There’s always a rank in a Boys groups, as there is in Girls, hence the ‘Alpha’ tag. Each group needs a leader for some reason, and what they say goes. This ‘Alpha’s role also comes with it’s ‘My Way’ attitude. As Boy accidentally challenged Alpha by simply creating a pause in Alpha’s task of spinning the swing over the top bar, it enraged Alpha. Alpha’s perception was ‘how dare you get in my way’, whereas Boys take was simply ‘Hey Guys, what’s going on? Can I join in?’.

I managed to place a clock on Chatty Girl, as I used the classic Parent time strategy to set a time on when the fun ends. ’10-minutes Boy’. This was for Boy, but also indirectly for Chatty Girl. Once time was up, I thanked Chatty Girl for her kindness and also ensured Boy thanked her also – it’s what Parents do. They educate their kids to appreciate kindness or apologize when they have been mean or rude; A concept clearly lost on some Dads (and you wonder why your Boys a d**k when he’s not made to apologize from a young age). We depart Chatty Girl and I take Boy to one side to explain (in simple terms) what just happened here today. The variance between being mean and being kind. Boy of course is still learning about feelings and how to control them. This was perhaps a valuable experience albeit not a nice one in part. We then walk toward the car and on the way, we see a Mum calling her daughter in, which just so happens to be Chatty Girl. I stop and talk to Chatty Girls Mum and praise both Mum and Daughter for being who they are and as a result, my Boy was comforted, at just the right moment. Chatty Girls Mum was also praising of her Daughter and rightly so. Parents should reward themselves and their Kids for such achievements. We then say our pleasantries and head to our car. I was hoping we might also see Alpha Boys Dad, so I could (in an ideal World) punch him in the face and walk away – true mic-drop moment – in a more niche film reference think Clive Owen’s character in ‘Shoot ‘em up’ when he just simply punches a guy out and says ‘fuck off’, as he leaves. I obviously wouldn’t have done this, as it sets a really bad example to Boy and also Alpha Boy who in fairness is still developing but he’ll need his Dad to really work on supporting him to be considerate of his own actions and how they impact others.

I guess all-in-all, this was one of those early life lessons that happens, and likely won’t be remembered by Boy. I use to be mean with other kids but then equally be on the receiving end of it too. It’s what happens as young kids. We have fights with our mates, then we make-up 10-minutes later. I always remember in primary school a boy in my class bit me, to the point it broke my skin. In fairness, I was on top of him and had his hands pinned down ready to punch him. He on the other hand had nothing in his arsenal other than his teeth. We went onto become best mates for the remainder of primary school, even though he was a Liverpool fan, to my beloved Man Utd. 

Back to the present day, and as we drove away from the Splash park, I was reassured Boy was now ok before heading back to the Hardware Store.